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Posts Tagged ‘Santa Claus’

God, I hope not!  It is still really dark outside and I hear the pitter patter of little feet approaching my room.  You know even without opening your eyes that there is someone in your presence;  Sure enough, Francesca is looking at me!  I say, “What are you doing up? Is the owl green?” She just looks at me…There is an owl light in the girl’s bedroom and all night the light is yellow but it’s set for 7am and the rule is you don’t get up until the owl is green!  (of course you can get up but you have to stay in your room till 7am) So I suggest that it’s quite possible that since it’s still dark,  Santa might be still putting presents downstairs under the tree.  Still no response just an adorable smile which is hard to see because it IS still dark.  I look at my phone and it’s 6:30. “Frankie, c’mon I’ll take you back to your room and then in a little while we can go downstairs”

I figured we had maybe another 15 minutes to rest before Christmas mayhem began.  I had been hoping to give the girls some of their presents on Christmas Eve so they wouldn’t be lost in the mound of treasures  left by Santa, but that didn’t work out.  Finley can read and we thought it would nice if she distributed gifts.  That lasted about 2 minutes and then the mad cap ripping began with me periodically shouting, “Check the name on the box first”.  That was followed with “How come she gets two books?  How come she has gel pens and I don’t ?”

Ruthie Wearing Her New Silk Pajamas

Ruthie Wearing Her New Silk Pajamas

Eventually all the Hello Kitty paraphernalia  was uncovered, the American Girl dolls now had a bed of their own along with new clothes.  Best of all Frankie and Rebecca had matching pj’s and Finley and Ruthie had matching dresses with leggings.  There were books, and more princess dresses  (Really! How many Disney princesses are there?) bean bag chairs with each girl’s name and a teepee.  Well if your tent is shaped like a teepee but it is made from pale pink striped cotton duck, is it still a teepee?  I gave Frankie a book which I thought she would enjoy and she took one look at it and said, ” I don’t like this book”.  I asked her why and her answer was, “I only like Princess books”. Francesca always speaks her mind;  Earlier, the girls emptied their stockings and discovered candy cane holders filled with M&M’s.  For days, there has been MUCH discussion about healthy eating, what’s nutritious, should we cook everything in coconut oil and on and on  So Frankie wants to open her candy and eat some before we open presents.  Justin is horrified and tells her “No, no we have to breakfast first” .  Frankie states the facts as she sees them, “I LOVE CANDY”.

At about this time, in rolled the rest of the gang.  Of course our whole entourage could not fit in one house so Chiara and Tom rented a house nearby for the overflow of guests.  We’re leaving tomorrow, some are leaving on Saturday, some are staying longer and the guest room sheets have been changed every couple of days.  First to arrive for the opening of the gifts were Dennis, Brad and Tom Sr. and Lisa.  Linda and Ed were expected shortly;  They were flying in from Long Island.  

More gifts…oh no roller blades.  And who thinks that the girls should put them on right now and try them out?  Well I’ll tell you it wasn’t any of the mothers.  It was the two bachelors and Tom!  Sometimes it’s hard to tell who the kids are and who the adults are.  We got everybody back into the house and just as I thought we might have breakfast, there was open more present to be had – the girls were ushered to the garage where they came upon not a midnight clear but rather a battery-operated  car! It seats 2 and with Finley at the wheel, the girls were tooling around the yard.  Everybody thought they were so cute until Finley stepped on the speed pedal and veered toward the pool! At least 3 of the grandparents screamed.  “BREAKFAST IS SERVED”

Egg casseroles, bagels, croissants, fruit salad, and muffins and by God we are in Florida because half the people are eating outside.  The mimosas are flowing and the adults are happy.  The kids are eating whatever they want  and sitting outside in the sunshine it surely doesn’t seem like Christmas.  We are going to take it easy for awhile before we have to be at Laura’s house for Christmas dinner.

Stay tuned for Part II.

 

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Cover of "North by Northwest"

Cover of North by Northwest

Monday 6:30 am Oh what a night….I’m not sure that I ever fell asleep, I know I dozed now and again because I have some remembrance of short dreams.  Trying to sleep in the seat was just awful; No way to get comfortable, no way to stretch out your legs and as I had been warned, it got really cold in the car last night.   I kept clutching my cotton shawl around my shoulders and arms.  The eye mask and neck pillow only helped a little.  I doused my eyes with drops in hopes that they would stop feeling like sandpaper and asked Peter to get us coffee.

He brought back two steaming cups of tasty coffee and convinced me that we should go to the dining car for breakfast.  I really didn’t want to be in bright lights but ok, he wanted a real meal so we went.  It was still dark out!  This is a trip of many firsts;  I’ve never traveled this far or overnight on a train before, I never ate in a dining car and I surely never  saw the sun rise in Savannah Georgia sitting at the window of a lovely dining car!  We sat across the table from a nice man and his young son who were on their way to Florida to celebrate Grandpa’s 100th birthday!  It was really nice sitting at a table with a white tablecloth and having someone wait on you after the hours spent in our seats eating carrots and humus and fitfully trying to catch some zzzz’s 

It’s now 8:30am and my husband is already napping – he who claimed 4 hours of sleep was quite enough for him!

NOON  We didn’t make reservations for lunch, the food is not so great  for the price so I guess some of now warm snacks left from yesterday will be our lunch. I just watched my travelogue documentary on the Northern Lights narrated and starring Joanna Lumley.  I love this film; I want to duplicate her journey, it was amazing!  We are just past DeLand which is southwest of Daytona so we are still pretty far north in Florida. I’ve been tracking our progress with the GPS on my phone.  I can see and feel just how long this day is going to be.

The rest of the afternoon was all about reading and looking out the window and standing in line to go to the rest room.   Actually there was no line at the end because both the toilets weren’t working, but this is probably  TMI.  Overall, the fact is that riding an Amtrak train is certainly not the Orient Express.  Okay of course it’s not the Orient Express, The Blue Train of South Africa, and for sure my trip in no way resembled  the trip Cary Grant took in  North By Northwest.

Anyway it was absolutely wonderful to step off the train and be greeted by my daughter and my sister-in-law.  Soon we were at her house, the kids came running out and the smiles on their faces and the shrieks of “Gig, Gigi” made all the long hours of the night before seem very far away.

The girls have been staying up late the past few nights with all of the company arriving at their house  and so convincing them it was bed time took a little negotiation and a LOT of “but what is Santa going to think?”  I even invoked the ELF last night!  Surely you know about the “ELF”.  He  or she ELF is endowed with magic powers which allow the ELF to report back to Santa Claus each night on the day-long behavior of the house’s young denizens.  Not only does he snitch, he also moves around so each morning you have to find him – it’s always good to know where your elf is.  However, I can see that the real issue here is what do we use as leverage after Chistmas?

You know the luxurious feeling advertisers try to describe like a bubble bath, a certain lotion or even your bed at some  national chain hotel?  Well, when I laid my weary body down on the bed last night, I thought I had never felt anything so soft and cosy and comfortable!  AHhhhhh!

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English: A milk chocolate Easter Bunny.

English: A milk chocolate Easter Bunny. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The jury is still out on whether or not encouraging belief in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy is a good idea or a very bad idea.  Mmmm

Personally I think instilling fantasy into your chid’s head at an early age, only makes it easier for them later in life when after 20 years with the same person borders on extreme boredom.  Lucky for me, my parents allowed me to believe in everything for as long as I wanted to pretend I still did.  These early-in-life lesson are invaluable when it comes to faking an orgasm, don’t you agree?

I think my first reality was around the Easter bunny.  You know the concept  was just too far-fetched.  I mean, was this rabbit the size of an adult. How did he get from house to house?  He didn’t have a sleigh and he, heck we don’t even know if he was a he or a she and either way, there were no wings!  And why would a rabbit be delivering eggs?  Where did he get them?  I never saw any Easter chickens just Easter chicks.  Well besides all the hard to believe stuff, being Catholic, it was also not so easy to get into the frivolity aspect of Easter.  After all it followed 40 days of somber repentance, deprivation, fasting and lots and lots of church going.  And as if the 40 days of Lent weren’t serious enough, the last 3 were downright psychologically disturbing!

There was Holy Thursday and off we went to some service – Church in the middle of the week! And just when it was getting to be lighter later and all of us kids wanted to play hide and seek after supper.  That was only mildly unpleasant,…what followed was much worse.  Good Friday dawned and you knew this was not going to be a fun day at all. There was no loud laughing or running around and of course no meat at any meal.  Between 12 noon and 3pm, you could hear a pin drop, silence was encouraged.  I went to parochial school so I think we definitely had the day off.  If you hadn’t been to confession by Good Friday, you were surely going that day!  Since I had made my First Communion while in second grade, you can only imagine the terrors that dark little closet-like cubicle held for an 8 year old!  Then it was off to a very long, very somber service.  There were the Stations of the Cross and think about those horror scenes described in detail as heard by a young child!  My daughter doesn’t want Finley to watch Squarepants Sponge Bob or Kung Fu Pandas and my father took me to hear the Stations of the Cross and to witness this gigantic crucifix laying across the altar steps and people went up to kiss the feet or something! YIKES!

One more day before we finally get the candy!!!  Holy Saturday was another quiet day but at least I didn’t have to go to Church.  Instead we were allowed to play quietly on the front steps – I remember playing jacks with my two friends in the afternoon.  Things lightened up a bit by Saturday night;  Grandma and Grandpa arrived and lots of food preparation was underway for Sunday’s big dinner.  After a bath before bed, my clothes were laid out for big dress-up event of the spring – your Easter outfit.

Patent leather shoes, a new dress, a lightweight duster-like coat and of course a hat.  White straw with maybe a navy blue ribbon edging and flowers on top.  My dad always got my mom a corsage and I used to get a wristlet corsage of pink baby roses or pink carnations.  Dressed up and decked out, we went to High Mass and after (and only after) Mass, we went home for breakfast and our Easter baskets.  I have to say one of the most liberal moments in my upbringing was that I was allowed to eat as much candy and eggs in my basket as I wanted to.  Maybe my parents thought the sooner the basket is empty, the sooner the sugar high would subside.

By noon on Easter Sunday, all was right with the world again.  The extended family was in residence, the Easter dinner was delicious, and there was chocolate and  more chocolate and more chocolate.  

Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy hung around a lot longer.  Not surprising since there was so much more in it for me than a hollow chocolate bunny and some jelly beans!  I say let the stories live on;  I always pictured the Tooth Fairy to look a lot like Tinkerbell.  Santa Claus surely looked like the Coca Cola image of St. Nicholas as far as I was concerned.  

What’s the point in telling your kids the truth?  You will only then have to come across with the latest toy fad or suffer the stigma of being the only parent who was unwilling to go to Walmart at 3am to stand in line to get that………(you fill in the blank since it changes every year).

So here’s the question again, Is the Easter Bunny coming to your house?

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Christmas postcard, 1911

Christmas postcard, 1911

T’was the day before Christmas and all through the morning

No one was talking but I could hear all the groaning.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, not a good day to be mad,

‘Cause Santa knows who’s good and who’s bad!

No breakfast to eat, no paper to read,

Please go get me the Starbucks, I so desperately need.

Oh my how the years have come and gone by

No turkey to roast, no baking of pies.

The tree is much smaller and actually pink

Because we’re in the cottage, what did you think?

One or two gifts litter the floor

Hardly like Christmases years before.

It’s quiet around here, no sirens or noise

And of course no grandkids and noisy toys.

The cats hung their stockings in hopes that St. Nick

Will show up tonight and bring them  cat nip.

A different Christmas eve’s about to begin

Left-over pastas and martinis with gin.

Not trusting the programmers of commercial TV

We stocked  the house with Christmas DVDs.

First on the list is The Bishop’s Wife and 

Soon to follow, It’s A Wonderful Life.

Only the classics for us old folks you know

We like what like from years ago.

Last year was a gala ugly-sweater event

Tonight  a few friends but there’s no lament.

Although there’s no sitting by the fiery log

Or getting tipsy on killer egg nog,

None-the-less, we’ll enjoy the leftover food

And glasses of wine put all in a good mood.

As we clink our glasses filled with good cheer,

We wish all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I’ll put out the cookies and milk with a wish

That tomorrow morning I’ll find an empty dish.

Then I’ll know that dear Santa Clause stopped by to see

How clean the house was and how pink the tree!

I sent him my letter early on in the season

I wanted him to know I had a good reason.

It would take him some time and certainly some doing

Some planning, some cutting and lots of gluing.

I hope, I hope,  he thinks I’m not  too absurd

For wanting a “55 pink Thunderbird!

Oh YES!!!

Oh YES!!!

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Don’t get so busy shopping for food, baking, decorating and gift shopping that you don’t leave time to do something for yourself.  Christmas is RED, no doubt about that – from Santa’s suit to the Cartier red-bow-wrapped store.  Everyone can wear red, it just depends on the shade.  Why people don’t believe that is a mystery to me!  Red lipstick and red nails are HOT!  RED is the color you want to wearing this season on your nails.

Essie makes several shades of red and I’m sure one of them would look great on you.  Take the time to get a mani-pedi before you give over all your time and energy to making Christmas fabulous for others. You deserve it.

Here’s the 9 Days Till Christmas 9 nail colors:

  1. REALLY RED  – An award-winning truly rich red
  2. SNAP HAPPY – A red-orange, a warm red
  3. LAQUERED  UP – Red hot crimson
  4. RED NOUVEAU – The new must-have color is a fiery crimson 
RED NOUVEAU

RED NOUVEAU

5.  DRAMATIC DRACHMA –  An orangey red

6.  BIG BAG THEORY –  Brick red

7. LONG STEM ROSES – The name speaks for itself

8. JAG-U-ARE –  A gorgeous gleaming red

9.  SIZE MATTERS  – A blazing hot ruby red

10. LOLLIPOP –  Candy cane red

As usual as I always say….”Red Is Where You Find It”

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Ho,ho, ho, Christmas is almost here! And what will be under the tree for me? AND what will be in my Christmas stocking?  As a kid growing up in the 50’s my Dad always made sure Santa filled our stockings with goodies.  It was most definitely a simpler time then and what went into the stockings usually wasn’t very pricey but oh it was fun to sit in front of the tree and empty out the contents, wasn’t it?  Only Santa knows what kids today expect in their stockings.  This is the kind of stocking I had growing up and I found two in an antique shop years ago so I still hang a stocking up every year!

"...and their stockings were hung by the fireplace with care..."

“…and their stockings were hung by the fireplace with care…”

There are several legends and versions of the origin of the tradition of hanging stockings the night before Christmas for Santa Claus to fill;  I grew up with the one about the young boys and girls in the Netherlands leaving their wooden clogs filled with straw for the reindeer out on Christmas Eve.  Then Sinterclass would leave treats for the children.  Later the clogs would become stockings and the saint would become known to all as Santa Claus.

Then there’s the legend of the nobleman with three daughters who lost all of his money through bad inventions and was forced to move into a peasant’s cottage.  The girls did all of the washing and cooking and had no chance of marriage because they had no dowries.  The girls washed out their stockings and hung them by the fireplace to dry and that night, knowing of the father’s despair stopped by the house after all had gone to bed.  He saw the stockings and was inspired to toss three pouches of gold coins carefully down the chimney, each one landing in one of the stockings.

Lastly there’s the North American theory dating back to the XIX Century;  Some believe that stockings hung by the fireplace was first mentioned by writer, George Webster in a story about a visit from Santa Claus and in an illustration by Thomas Nast

What did you find in your Christmas stocking?  I found all kinds of goodies like:

  1. A tangerine or orange was always in the toe
  2. Yo-yo
  3. A card game like Old Maid or Go Fish
  4. Jacks and Ball set
  5. Candy canes
  6. Hershey’s chocolate kisses
  7. Crayons or markers
  8. Chocolate coins
  9. Cellophane packet of cat’s eyes marbles
  10. Licorice

I wonder what Finley Ray expects to find in her stocking this year?

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I always found an orange in the toe of my Christmas stocking.  There were nuts, some candy, and maybe a small toy.  What was in  your Christmas stocking?  If you never had one, this could be the year you decide that there really is a Santa Claus and if you hang your stocking from the mantle…who knows what you might find!  These stockings are original and unique, even your dog and cat get their own.

Red Ribbon Velvet Stocking

A classic stocking with a whimsical touch. Red velvet is delicately complemented with white and green ribbon accents. Personalized monograms are available for an additional charge.

To buy: $20, potterybarnkids.com

personalized stocking, velvet ribbons

Velvet Ribbons On My True Love's Stocking

Thomas Paul Tweeter Stocking

This 100 percent cotton stocking has a timeless design with a sweet winter scene. Also available in violet.

To buy: $30, velocityartanddesign.com.

scenic stocking, felt birds,

Twitter Stocking

Needlepoint Christmas Stocking

Designed in intricate needlepoint with a wool front and soft cotton velvet back, this stocking is hand-detailed and can be personalized with up to 10 letters at no additional charge.

To buy: $24.50, landsend.com.

choo choo train, needlepoint stocking

Choo - Choo Christmas Stocking

Skate Around Stocking

A playful approach to the traditional stocking hanging on the mantel. Made of poly felt, the skate’s “blade” can be personalized in light blue with up to 11 letters for an additional charge.

To buy: $24, landofnod.com.

ice skate, personalized stocking

Go Figure

Meow Cat Stocking

Make room for Kitty on the mantel. There’s no confusing stockings with this soft heather grey pick that has a special message for that four-legged friend in your home.
To buy: $13, crateandbarrel.com

kitty stocking, meow, pet stocking

For A Cat Named Socks

Personalized Pet Stocking

Dog bones meet cheetah print for an unexpected design for the furriest member of your family. Personalize with up to 10 letters for no additional cost.

To buy: $25, ballarddesigns.com

pet stocking, doggie stocking

Give The Poor Doggy A Bone

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My friend Gail sent me this today, and I believe she got from a web site called Mental Floss and I think it makes a perfect Thursday’s Top Ten Lis

What’s in a (bizarre) name? Here are ten strangely named places and the stories, legends and theories about their origins.

1. Santa Claus, Indiana

In 1854, a group of pioneers settled in southwest Indiana and established a small town called Santa Fe. But when they applied to get a post office two years later, they were turned down. There was already another Santa Fe, Indiana, with a post office. The new Santa Fe would need a new, distinct name to get one of their own.

Fact and legend blur when it comes to how the town settled on calling itself Santa Claus. The standard version of the story goes like this: the townspeople held several meetings over the next few months to select a new name, but could not agree on one. The last town meeting of the year was held late on Christmas Eve after church services. During the debate, a gust of wind blew open the church doors and everyone heard the ringing of sleigh bells close by. Several children got excited and shouted “Santa Claus!” A light bulb went off in someone’s head and by Christmas morning, the town had a new name.

2. Intercourse, Pennsylvania

intercoursepa1.jpgThe town of Cross Keys, nestled in Pennsylvania’s Amish country, changed its name to Intercourse in 1814. How and why is anybody’s guess. There are a few explanations floating around about the origin of the name, but none with a lot of solid evidence to back them up.

One story ties it to a racetrack that used to exist just east of the town. The entrance to the track had a sign above it that read “Enter Course.” Locals began to refer to the town as “Entercourse,” which eventually evolved into “Intercourse.”

Another proposed origin has to do with an old usage of the word intercourse—everyday social and business connections and interactions.

3. Toad Suck, Arkansas

A widely accepted story about Toad Suck’s name dates back to the days of steamboat travel on the Arkansas River. Toad Suck sits along the river and its tavern was a frequent stop for boatmen, who were said to “suck on the bottle until they swelled up like toads.”

Dr. John L. Ferguson, late director of the Arkansas History Commission, proposed an alternate explanation. He thought it was likely that, since the first Europeans to thoroughly explore the area were French, the name was an English corruption of a French word (like how aux Arcs became Ozarks).

This Arkansas travel website runs with Ferguson’s idea and muses at length about the different words and phrases that could have given rise to Toad Suck, including eau d’ sucre, chateau d’ sucré and coté eau d’ sucre.

4. Glen Campbell, Pennsylvania

This small (pop. 306 as of the 2000 census) borough in Western PA isn’t named after the Glen Campbell famous for “Rhinestone Cowboy” and “Wichita Lineman.” Instead, it’s named in honor of Cornelius Campbell, the first superintendent of the Glenwood Coal Company, which operated the mines in the area. The Glen in the name comes from the Scottish word for a valley.

5. Eighty Eight, Kentucky

Eighty Eight is an unincorporated town in Barren County. According to the New York Times, Dabnie Nunally, the town’s first postmaster, came up with name. Nunnally didn’t think very highly of his handwriting, and thought that using a number as the town’s name would make legibility on mail less of an issue. To come up with the numbers, he reached into his pocket and counted his change. He had 88 cents.

An alternate explanation sometimes floated around is that Eighty Eight is located eight miles from each of its neighboring towns—Glasgow to the west and Summer Shade to the east. (According to Google Maps, however, Summer Shade is actually about five miles away.)

6. Eighty Four, Pennsylvania

Eighty Four is a small unincorporated community southwest of Pittsburgh. It was originally named Smithville, but Pennsylvania already had a Smithville (also a New Smithville), so the USPS required a name change to avoid postal confusion. The true origin of the name is unknown, but it’s been suggested that the number comes from the town’s place along the 84th mile of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad line, or the year the post office was built.

7. Ding Dong, Texas

The fact that Ding Dong is in central Texas’ Bell County is a funny coincidence. The county was named for Governor Peter Bell, and the town for resident and businessman Zulis and his nephew Bert (no relation to the governor).

The Bells ran a general store and hired a local painter named C.C. Hoover to make a sign for their business. Hoover supposedly illustrated the sign with two bells inscribed with the Bells’ names, and then wrote “Ding Dong” coming out the bottom of the bells. As a rural community grew around the area, the words stuck as a name for the place.

8. Cut and Shoot, Texas

In the early 1900s, trouble was brewing in a small, unnamed community a little north of Houston. Different versions of a local legend say that the townspeople were either fighting over the new steeple for the town’s church; the matter of which denominations could use the building (and when); or the land claims of church members.

Whatever the reason, the townspeople had gathered near the church and were on the brink of violence. A boy at the scene supposedly declared to his family that he was going to take up a tactical position and “cut around the corner and shoot through the bushes.”

The matter was eventually taken before the court. When the judge asked one witness where the confrontation had taken place, he didn’t know what to call it, since the town didn’t have a name. He told the judge, “I suppose you could call it the place where they had the cutting and shooting scrape,” and the name stuck.

9. Idiotville, Oregon

Idiotville is a ghost town and former logging community northwest of Portland. Most of its former residents worked at a nearby logging camp called Ryan’s Camp. Because of the camp’s remote location, locals said that only an idiot would work and live there. They began referring to the surrounding area as Idiotville. The name was eventually borrowed for a nearby stream, Idiot Creek, and officially applied to the community on maps.

10. Knockemstiff, Ohio

Knockemstiff is a small rural town in south central Ohio. Several legends give different explanations for the name. One says that in the 1800s, a traveling preacher entering town came across two women fighting over a man. The preacher doubted the man was worth the trouble and said that someone should “knock him stiff.”

Another similar story has it that a woman went to a preacher to complain that her husband was cheating on her. The preacher’s straightforward advice became a motto around town, and eventually its name. Yet another explanation is that the name is slang for the moonshine or homemade liquor that many of the locals manufactured.

 

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The simple joys of community, kids eagerly awaiting Santa Claus‘s arrival, free hot cider and ginger snaps, a crisp cold night and lots of fire trucks lined up on Main Avenue – that’s what was happening in Ocean Grove tonight.  Peter and I joined our friends, Trish and Ron at the Fireman’s Park early in the evening.  The volunteer Fire Department of our little town sponsors this annual event.

Santa’s sleigh was in the park  awaiting his arrival by fire truck!  That was a sight and a sound!  At least 6 fire trucks and an Emergency vehicle came wheeling down Main Avenue with sirens wailing and lights flashing.  The kids screamed and jumped up and down because Santa Claus was coming.  By the way, Trish did too!!!

We sipped piping hot cider and munched on ginger snaps and watched the long line of kids wend their way to Santa.  Once on his lap, you could see  joy on the faces of  the little ones – the believers!

Santa Claus, Ocean grove,Christmas Eve,

Santa Claus Arrives

photo by Trish Martin

Ocean Grove, Fireman's park,Christmas Evep

Mrs. Santa Claus Came Along for the Ride

photo by Trish Martin

Fireman's Park, Ocean Grove, Christmas Eve

I Believe

photo by Trish Martin

Ocean grove, Fireman's park, Christmas Eve

Trish and Ron

 

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Ho ho ho lookee here!  Even Santa  has had some bad scenes – Christmas movie bombs.  Do you agree? Got any you want to add?  Pre-screening advice – drink a lot of eggnog!

worstxmas-banner

Editor’s Note: In honor of the 2008 Christmas Holiday, we’ve decided to resurrect the following article — our Ten Worst Christmas Movies of All-Time list, which was written during Christmas 2007. Oddly enough, the following choices still hold up today.

Just as Hollywood launched us into the summer movie season with Spider-Man 3 in early May, they’ve jumped the gun on the Christmas season with Fred Claus. However, this wasn’t as heartwarming as the umpteen radio stations playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, ‘cause Fred Claus really sucked ass.

So that got us thinking… What other Christmas movies suck ass? For every It’s a Wonderful Life, there’s gotta be a crapstorm of a film to balance it out. So we looked at the holiday movies over the years, and we came up with our list. To make the list, the film had to either be about Christmas (or Santa Claus) or have Christmas an integral part of the plot. (It can’t be like Gremlins, which did suck ass, but really was just set during Christmastime rather than being about the holiday.)

Flame on!

10. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

worstxmas-10

With a title like this, it’s almost too easy. And while you most likely have seen this one during the good old Mystery-Science Theater 3000 days, you can still catch it on video and even aired by one of the Turner networks in December. It features a wino Santa and Martians so crappy they put Plan 9 from Outer Space to shame. Oh, and it’s got Pia Zadora in it, too!

9. The Nativity Story (2006)

worstxmas-9

We can just imagine the pitch meeting in Hollywood. Some lunkhead producer yelled, “The Passion of the Christ made more than $300 million! What else can we mine from the Bible?” So they cast the 15-year-old Keisha Castle-Hughes, who got herself pregnant for the film’s release (which really pissed off the Pope). Here’s a hint… she wasn’t carrying the baby Jesus.

8. Fred Claus (2007)

worstxmas-8

Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti were cobbled by the family-oriented bent of this film. It just goes to prove that Vince Vaughn just ain’t funny if you don’t let him swear (or if he is wearing a dress and killing people).

7. Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

worstxmas-7

Who the hell had the brilliant idea of remaking this indelible classic… again? The cast was lame, and the climactic courtroom scene was ruined with an unnecessary rewrite. In the 60th anniversary DVD of the original, Maureen O’Hara giggles at the fact that every remake of this film has bombed. You go, Mo!

6. The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

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Yeah, we know this is a cash cow for Disney, but that doesn’t make it any good. The first film was okay, but this one was lame. Even worse, the moronic director did the entire DVD commentary as if he got permission to shoot in the North Pole with the real Santa and his elves. I guess he didn’t realize that second graders don’t listen to DVD commentaries.

5. Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

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Hey look! Another Tim Allen movie has made the list! Written by legal novelist John Grisham, this awkward holiday comedy showed that even a bestselling author can inspire crap.

4. Deck the Halls (2006)

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Why does Matthew Broderick keep getting cast in movies? He hasn’t done a live-action film worth a bucket of snot since Election. And how could Danny DeVito sign on for this stinker? He must have needed rent money. A war of holiday lights turns into wacky family comedy… so much so, you’ll want to throw up.

3. Black Christmas (2006)

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After the Weinstein Company’s dismal release of Wolf Creek on Christmas Day 2005, they tried to repeat their mistake with a horror movie remake in 2006… and they were successful in failing. Maybe they should have had some of the young hotties in the cast (e.g., Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert or Michelle Trachtenberg) do a gratuitous nude scene.

2. The Santa Clause 3 (2006)

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It’s Tim Allen again, dishing out more holiday pain. But this time, he’s joined by the show-tune loving Martin Short as Jack Frost. Arguably a better premise than #2, the movie melts down in the end with the cheesiest ending since V: The Final Battle.

1. Surviving Christmas (2004)

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Nothing says Christmas in October like James Gandolfini in a Santa hat. ‘Nuff said.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Jingle All the Way (1996) – We thought this would be a shoe-in, considering what a joke people remember it to be. But watch it with your kids, and you might agree it doesn’t even belong on this list.

The Preacher’s Wife (1996) – Okay, we admit it… neither Fat Guy actually has seen this film. We just figured that since it had Whitney Houston in it, it must suck ass.

For more lists, banter and random shenanigans, visit Fat Guys at the Movies.

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